


Echoes of My Mind

by NorthernStar



Category: The Sentinel
Genre: M/M, Pre-Series, The Slash Version
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-20
Updated: 2012-06-20
Packaged: 2017-11-08 04:22:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,859
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/439102
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NorthernStar/pseuds/NorthernStar
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Blair's path crosses with another and both hear the echoes of his past...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Echoes of My Mind

**Author's Note:**

> Takes place directly after “Reunion” in the second season. In the TS universe, it would be the summer of 1996. 
> 
> Inspired in part by Murder 101. Blair seemed very angry in that episode, more troubled and upset by what was happening than was really explained. And he said “I’m not too sure I (understand what she’s going through).” Not too sure? Shouldn’t that have been “I don’t.” or “I can’t?”

 

“Telephone call for Dr Stanton…”

Blair winced at the noise above him and fought back a yawn as he pulled change from his pocket.He hadn’t slept in over 40 hours.

Slotting the money into the vending machine in front of him, he hoped the coffee here was a little more drinkable than the stuff on campus.Or even worse, at the department.

He punched the button for espresso and rested his head against the machine as a cup descended, and started to fill.

It had been a long day.And that was _before_ they got the call from Simon.

Navigating them forty miles in the wrong direction had been embarrassing and tiresome.Jim had laughed at his ability to get them lost, but as a psych minor, Blair knew a little about the sub-conscious.And man, that sounded like his sub-conscious making itself known.

He’d been on edge all week over this trip.Going kayaking with Jim, camping in the woods…Much as he wanted it, it was like seeing a wall ahead, but driving straight at it anyway.

Blair guessed what was happening.When he’d agreed to go, Jim had touched his arm, met his eyes and held the gaze just a fraction longer than he should have done. _“You won’t regret this, Chief.”_

Blair could only prey he was right.

Blair had guessed he was bisexual that first year at Rainier when he’d fallen in love with his mentor. Eli had thought his crush on him was a fairly harmless result of his lack of a father.And maybe part of that was true.But Blair knew the feeling behind it was real: this was part of who he was.

But despite his open upbringing, Blair hadn’t a clue as to what to do with that knowledge.He’d read about ‘gaydar’ but apparently that was only a myth, at least for him.It was nearly three years later before he met Jesse, but the tentative hand holding and shy kisses they’d shared really didn’t amount to a physical relationship. They’d both tried hard, but Jesse was strict catholic, with deeply held religious beliefs and no matter how much Blair respected that, it ultimately drove them apart.Jesse hadn’t been able to admit to himself what he was and finally, he’d walked away.

After that, Blair had gone on a several dates with guys, more out of curiosity more than any romantic interest.Just kisses at the door things, never more than that.

But just like the old adage, curiosity killed the cat when Korrigan had entered his life.

Blair removed the cup from the vending machine and took out more money, slotted it into the machine, determined not to react to the path his own thoughts had taken.It was over.

Over…

The thought of being with another man had been abhorrent after that.It had taken years and years until Daniel and then Sweet Roy.But Blair had never been able to get beyond hand jobs and oral sex.Didn’t even like to be touched back there, but usually tolerated it well enough.Daniel had liked to be caressed there so he’d steeled himself.

You get to be a good actor after a while.

But eventually Daniel had wanted more, and he couldn’t give it.Just couldn’t.

Just like Jim would, one day.And then he’d walk away too.

Pushing his thoughts away, Blair picked up the steaming cups of coffee and carried them down the hospital corridor.The heat quickly bleached though the thin plastic, burning his finger tips.

He passed several open rooms, with pale and sickly patients sleeping in them and shuddered.He wondered how Simon was doing; he’d lost a lot of blood at the hotel, crawling through the vents and the doctors had mentioned something about muscle damage.Despite their assurances that the captain would make a full recovery, Blair couldn’t help the knot of anxiety clenching up his gut.That surprised him.

Or maybe it shouldn’t.Just recently he had begun to realise just how much a part of his life cops had become.

How much of his life was _Jim_.

He would lay awake some nights, staring at the ceiling dividing them.Aware of his friend sleeping above, listening for the small creaks and shuffles as he moved about, or turned over in bed.He would touch himself idly, just letting himself feel good, but never enough to get really hard.Or to come.

Jim was a Sentinel after all, and knowing he could hear and smell what Blair was doing was better than a bucket of ice water.And besides which, it felt too much like…abusing Jim.

Blair rounded a corner and saw Jim standing near Bank’s room, talking to a woman in a white coat.Her back was towards him, auburn hair obscuring any view of her face.As he came closer, he caught her profile as she spoke to Jim.

Blair’s fingers tensed around the cups in recognition.It had been a long time, and a different hospital, but some things you didn’t forget.

However much you wanted too.

He might have turned away, avoided them, but Jim glanced in his direction even as he spoke.Blair wondered idly if Jim had picked up his scent or the slight step up in his heartbeat at seeing Kelly again.

Blair came over, handing Jim the coffee and sipping his own.He nodded once to Kelly, but the woman was too professional to let their connection slip.

“Thank you, doctor.”Jim took a swallow of coffee.“Just gotta go sign some papers, Chief.It’ll just take a couple of minutes.”

“Sure.”

Jim walked away as Blair watched.He was aware of Kelly had remained at his side.

“It’s Blair, isn’t it?”She said.It wasn’t really a question.

“Yeah.”He held out his hand to shake.“Hi, Dr Winters.It’s…uh, it’s been a while.”

She took it warmly.“Hasn’t it?And its Kelly, remember?”

Yes he did, all too well.

“I almost didn’t recognise you.”She continued, “I’m glad you grew your hair back.And then some.”

Laughing a little, he pushed a lock behind his ear with his thumb.“I went on this research project in Sumatra.There wasn’t a pair of scissors in three hundred miles and uh, when I got back...”

She laughed gently.He remembered that.“Research?You’re still at Rainier?”

It was such a simple conversation – small talk – yet nothing simple or small at all.“I’m a grad student now, teaching fellow actually.”

“I’m glad you stuck with it.I know how difficult that year was for you.”

“I had to repeat it.Pretty much missed that whole semester.”Blair frowned at the memory.How close he’d come to losing everything.“My faculty advisor kinda went to bat for me, got me an extension on my scholarship.”

“You deserved the break, Blair.”

“Took a year out after graduation, travelled with my mom.”He shrugged, like it was nothing.“I needed to clear my head, you know?”

She appraised him.“It looks like it worked.You look great.”She didn’t let the comment linger and changed the subject.Blair had forgotten how good she was at that.“You know Detective Ellison?”

“I’m working with the police for my dissertation.”

“For a moment there, I thought you were going to shock me and say you’re a cop.”

He laughed at that.“I’m doing my thesis on modern sub-cultures.”

Her face showed she had no idea what he was talking about.“Always the anthropologist.”But then smile on her face faded and she laid a hand on his elbow, looking him right in the eyes.“How are you?”She asked softly.“Really?”

Blair nodded, body moving.“Better.”He said.

He opened his mouth to say more but Jim came up to his side.

Kelly stepped back and smiled politely.“If you’ll excuse me.”She said to them both and then turned to Blair. “Don’t be a stranger, all right?”

He smiled in return.“Okay.”He replied. And meant it.

Blair watched her disappear down the corridor, aware of Jim eyeing him with idle curiosity.Aware of the heat of the man, the larger bulk and felt his stomach twist with old feelings.

_Damn_ …

_Not now.Please not now…_

“Old flame?”

He swallowed, forcing the feeling away and threw Jim his most devilish grin.He was so good at pretending now; it was second nature. And he liked that hint of jealousy in Jim’s tone.“Almost.”He started to walk, needing the movement.“How’s Simon?”

“They’re moving him up to the medical chopper.They wheeled him past me in the corridor.”

“He’s okay, right?”

“Yeah.”Jim grinned.“He was sitting up moaning about the no-smoking rule. I figure he’s on the mend.”

 

***

 

Kelly stopped at the end of the corridor and looked back.She watched the young man grin at his friend, head bobbing energetically as they talked, tossing his riot of curls.So different from the first time she’d met him and yet achingly similar.

The pair turned and walked away.As their happy chatter faded, she couldn’t help thinking back – a different hospital, a different life…

 

*

 

Kelly Winters stopped before the door and flipped over the page on her clipboard to view her next patient’s notes.Blair Sandburg, 19 year old Rainier University student, had been brought in by two uniform cops and a woman from the university security in the early hours of yesterday morning.He’d been raped.

There wasn’t much on the case sheets.Blair didn’t have much of medical record and the only information listed was current.5 foot 7, 115 pounds, multiple contusions, minor cuts, rectal fissures, currently on a dextrose IV.

She knocked and entered.

The kid sitting in the bed was skinny, bony arms hugging his bony legs, chin resting on his knees.He was still a boy, with a mop of longish dark curls on the top of his head, falling in his eyes but cut short around the back and sides.His head lifted as she entered, startled.She could see angry bruises along his jaw and throat, disappearing beneath the hospital gown he wore, and his lip was badly split.

“Hi, I’m Kelly Winters.I’m the psychologist on staff.Dr Hills asked me to stop by.”

The boy hugged his knees a little tighter, blue eyes peeking through a nest of dark curls.“Hey.”

“How’re you doing?”

“I’m okay.”But his face was an open book, betraying tension and mistrust.

“I’d be surprised if you were.”She came closer.“You’ve been through a terrible ordeal, Blair.It’s normal to feel upset.”

“I know.”He gave her a forced smile.“I’m minoring in psych.”

One of the best practices of her field was getting to know your patient first.So she smiled back and asked.“What’s your major?”

“Anthropology.”

“That must be really fascinating.”

“Yeah.”They chatted for while about his studies and his teachers at Rainier.She saw the unconscious relaxation in his body as he talked; the spark in his shadowed eyes.He really loved the subject.

“Do you mind if I sit down?”She asked eventually.

The mistrust was immediately back in his eyes.She didn’t wait for the invite, sliding into the cold plastic hospital chair beside his bed.The atmosphere was suddenly as chilled and uninviting as the seat beneath her.

He looked away.

“Blair,” she asked softly.“Do you want to talk about what happened?”

“You know.”

“I’ve seen the medical report.That’s just facts; I want to know about you.How your feeling.”

“You know it’s fascinating really.”He said softly, head turned away from her.“Every culture has its own moral and ethical stand on rape.Sexual domination and submission form an inherent part of most cultures.Did you know in some parts of the world the blame for rape falls on the victim? Families prefer to cast them out rather than suffer the shame.”

“I think I read that somewhere.”

“And it’s not uncommon in some countries to inflict forms of punishment, such as stoning, on the victim.”

“Blair, I want to talk about you.”

“I read this paper once on African tribal laws that-”

“Tell me about YOU.”

“And I did this study as part of my psychology-”

“Blair.”

“Man, this sucks!”The kid tossed back the blankets and stumbled from the bed, putting distance between them.He tugged the IV pole with him.

She sighed, “Blair, Dr Hills tells me that physically you’re ready to go home.But he doesn’t want to release you until he knows you’ve talked to someone about this and you know your options.”

He looked around.“Options?”

“I can give you the numbers of some good physiatrists in the area.”She told him.“They all specialise this kind of trauma.”

“Even if I wanted help with my ‘ _trauma’_ …” the word was spat out contemptuously, “I can barely afford books.”

“There are a few volunteer services and there’s also self-help groups, one of which is on your campus.”She looked him in the eyes.“I really think it would help.”

“I’m familiar with the psych, all right?I know what I’m doing.I’ll get through this.”

Kelly bit back her immediate response, knowing the kid wasn’t ready to leave denial behind just yet.So instead she said quietly.“You don’t have to deal with this alone.”

“I’m not alone.”

“I’m glad to hear it.But none of that matters if you’re not willing to talk about it.”

He whirled on her, anger flushing his face.“I am talking about it!What do you wanna know?How long it took, huh?”His hands jabbed at the air.“How much it hurt?Did I ask for it?Did I say anything, do anything?Come on, it’s a freebie.”

“Blair, calm down.”

He opened his mouth to snap back at her, but a brisk knock on the door interrupted them.She didn’t fail to notice the sudden fear in his eyes.

Blair walked back over to the bed and sank down.“Come in.”

Two men entered and came over to Blair; both had detective shields clipped to their belts.

“Mr Sandburg?”

He nodded.

“I’m Detective Ryan; this is my partner Ray Collins.Campus security called us when you reported your assault to them.”

“They interviewed Korrigan.”The other detective continued.“He’s not denying that you had sex, however he does maintain you consented.”

Kelly watched the kid’s face pale.He swallowed.“He’s lying.”

“If you choose to make an official statement, we can bring him in and charge him.”

Kelly sighed, knowing what the officer meant but asking anyway.“If he chooses?”

“With all due respect, it’s Mr Sandburg’s word against his.Even with DNA and the samples from the rape kit, the case will still come down to consent.”

“I didn’t give it!”Blair cried.“We were friends.I thought we were gonna have a couple of drinks, study…”The words came out breathlessly, as if getting them out quickly enough could deny them.“He asked me in, I said yes, we went inside, he-he forced me up against the wall and he raped me!”

Ryan didn’t blink.“And?”

“What else is there to say?”He demanded.“That’s it!”

“Mr Korrigan told us he’s not your first male partner.”

The kid was suddenly shaking.“I didn’t… I mean…I…”

“You’re gay?”Kelly asked.

“Bi…”He whispered.Then looked up, hugging himself.“But I wasn’t with Mike.He forced me.”

Detective Ryan snorted.“You tried to fight back?”

The boy swallowed convulsively.“He had me by the hair…”

 

*

 

Kelly shivered at the memory, suddenly flashing on the image of the next time she’d seen the boy.Blair, eyes darkly circled, skin sallow, probably a good ten to fifteen pounds lighter…with his hair cropped, haphazardly, angrily.

No-one would ever grab him like that again…

 

***

 

Dawn had broken while they’d been inside and Blair caught himself yawning.

“You wanna head on out, or back to Cascade?”

Back to the woods or back to safety?Safety it was then.Blair slid into the passenger seat of Jim’s truck and tried to forgive himself.“Home, James.”He smiled.

“OK, but you’re doing half of the driving, Chief.”

Blair nodded and lay his head back against the seat and closed his eyes.It felt good to relax, felt even better when Jim pulled out onto the main road and the hum of the truck closed around him.He doubted he’d fall asleep, but he didn’t feel like make conversation right now, so he let his body go limp in the seat and pretended to doze.

He had a lot to think about.

It had been a long time since he’d thought of Kelly. She had, after all, been just a minor player in a much larger drama, one that had encompassed, and ultimately robbed him of, a whole two years of his life.He still lived in its shadow.

He knew he always would.

_I’m glad you grew your hair back…_

Blair shifted in his seat, feeling the silky scratch of curls across his cheek.He knew in a way it was defiance; taking back his life…In another it was just him – just a reflection of who he was. 

And damn, it looked good.

Naomi would be so pleased when she saw it.She had mourned their loss…

 

*

 

_Snip.Snip.Snip._

His hands were shaking, there was a vague pain in the background, scissors cutting too close to his skin, but it was barely noticeable over the roaring in his head.The person staring wildly back at himself in the mirror wasn’t him, couldn’t be him.

Red hair flashed at his side, narrow fingers plucked the scissors from his hand.Red droplets running along the metal.

His mother stroked the shorn hair, mindful of the torn skin and pressed her forehead against his cheek.“Oh honey…no… _no_ …”

 

*

 

The interview room was cold and damp, empty of character.Blair had lost count of the number of times he’d been in here now.He stopped his pacing and looked at Ryan, repeating the detective’s words back to him.

“Reckless endangerment?”That didn’t sound anything like assault.

The sound of thunder rolled in the distance, penetrating the walls of the PD… Outside, the world went on.In here, it froze…for victims as well as criminals, it seemed.

Ryan didn’t flinch from his gaze.“Mr Sandburg, it was the only way to secure a conviction.”

He crossed his arms around himself.

Mick Ryan watched him.“Trust me on this, OK?Korrigan’s lawyer would’ve torn you to shreds.”

He didn’t answer.

“You step up to the witness stand.He asks you about the guys you dated and that’s it.Over.”Ryan sighed.“You don’t wanna go through that, kid.”

Blair went back to pacing the small room, sneakers squeaking on the old linoleum floor.“How long?”He felt fear creeping up on him.

“The DA agreed to reduce the charge if he pleaded guilty to-” Ryan began to explain.

But he didn’t care about all that.There was only one question that needed to be answered.“How long?”

“The important thing is you won’t have to testify in court.”

“How long?!”

Ryan sighed.“Six months.Maybe less.”

“Six months!”Blair yelled.

“The DA felt-”

“What about what I wanted, huh?”

“Blair, the rape charge was unlikely to make it in court.This way…at least he goes away, gets a record.”

“Gets a record?Is that all you care about?That bastard raped me!”

“I don’t like this anymore than you do, but it wasn’t my call.”

“Screw you!”Turning, he made for the door.

“Blair!”Ryan tried to grab Blair’s arm; the sudden crowding, the sudden touch like sickness in his belly.

“Get the fuck away from me!”He pushed the invading, clammy hands away and fled out the door.He felt the vibrations as it slammed behind him; his skin sensitised and gritty.

Outside the department, the rain pelted him, soaking through his thin shirt, dripping down his shorn head.He might have even felt cleansed…if he could feel anything at all…

 

*

 

The ceiling above him, the scratch of the sheets and blankets knotted around his legs, the constant ticking of the clock…Chimes striking the hour… Midnight…one…two…three…

_Tick, tock, tick, tock_ …

Blair turned over, pushing the bed covers away.Cold night air chilled his skin, just like it had when Korrigan had…

And suddenly there were hands in his hair and he remembered how his vision had tilted and fuzzed from the blow to his head…How the wall had been hard against his front…

He tossed over to his other side, but the memory wouldn’t go.

_Tick, tock, tick, tock_ …

His jeans had made a rustling sound as they were forced off his hips.Cold air had caressed his legs and backside and he’d shivered, even as he tried to hit out, but he couldn’t quite get his limbs to move like he wanted them too.Arms and legs clumsy from the blow to his head, the growing panic and the terrible, terrible mind numbing fear clutching at his heart.

His throat had grown sore from yelling… And the pain, ripping him apart, fading and stabbing in an unmistakable rhythm, the accompanying grunt in his ear.The heavy weight trapping him and the smell…

Oh God…the smell…

Blair sat up, swinging his legs out of bed, breathing hard.He sat there, listening to the pound of his own heart.Ran spread fingers through the short spiky curls…gripped, tangling the snarls…pulled…

The pain was sharp but real.Not inside.

The memory looped and he pushed the heels of his hands deep into his eye sockets, shaking his head slightly to break the image.

_Tick, tock, tick, tock_ …

Then the anger exploded and he swept out his hands, knocking the clock against the wall.The glass front broke, the crack like lightening across the sky but the constant tick remained.

_Tick, tock, tick, tock_ …

But something else had broken too, inside him, and the force of it overwhelmed him.Caught up he pushed all his books off the shelves, starting on the ornaments when there was no more.China and pottery smashed, shards flying.Photos broke, papers torn and scattered.

Then he sank down in the devastation and waited quietly for the sun to come up.

_Tick, tock, tick, tock_ …

 

***

 

“You ok, chief?”

Blair opened his eyes.Jim took his attention off the road for a second to meet his gaze, concern tightening his face.

He swallowed, shifting back in the seat.“Yeah, just tired, you know?”

Jim touched his leg, more a caress than a companionable squeeze.It was oddly welcome.And yet not.“Try to get some sleep.”

 

***

 

Jim frowned at his own words.Blair’s heartbeat was running a little too fast for relaxation, but then the last few hours had been stressful.By now they should have been camping out in the woods, lying by a fire, digesting their first catch.

Just them and 100,000 redwoods.

All alone in the night…

Jim’s hands tightened on the steering wheel.Much as he respected Simon, the man had lousy timing.

It had taken over a week to convince Blair to go kayaking with him during the school break.Thank God for Simon’s reunion or he’d never had thought of a decent excuse in the first place.He wasn’t sure if Blair sensed the ulterior motive or not, he just knew the pair of them had been nudging closer together over the last six months.Initial attraction to Blair had been surface, a beautiful kid was still a kid and Blair, for all his friendliness, ambled through life from one relationship to another.Youth was fine, workable even, but Jim had little interest in disrupting their friendship, and this whole Sentinel thing, over a fling.

But something had changed a couple of months ago, when Jim had sent Blair to find out information about a gun runner through his daughter.Maya hadn’t seemed any different from the mirad of girls following after Blair.She was beautiful and smart, just like the others.

But Jim had missed something that Blair hadn’t.Some gentleness or innocence that set her apart from the rest, and he’d fallen in love.

Blair.In love.

God, it had hurt to hear him admit that.And it had hurt more to see the pain she left behind, even as his own traitorous heart skipped a beat in relief to hear she was leaving.

He looked over at his friend, curled up on the seat.When he suggested the trip, he still hadn’t decided if Blair was interested, and more to the point, attracted to Jim, but he’d bought a good bottle of French wine, the biggest thickest double quilt he could find, so they could lay out together under the stars…and enough lube to be going along with.Just in case.

Blair had brought four research tomes, a file of handwritten notes and the latest copy of National Geographic.Oddly enough, ‘just in case’ was the phrase he’d used too.

Jim was thinking seduction, Blair was thinking research.But that was OK.Because Blair could research Jim’s body all he wanted, Jim just wanted equal access rights to his friend.

Jim smiled.Blair snuffled and shifted in his chair, turning away from Jim, revealing the soft curve of his buttocks, shape outlined perfectly in the tight denim.

Blair’s heartbeat hiked up another fraction.So did Jim’s.

 

***

 

On the first day of finals, Blair spent his last 5 dollars on a loaf of bread and went to feed the ducks.When the bag was empty and his clothes were soaked through from the rainstorm, he walked back to his dorm room and found his mother crying.

Staring at her, surrounded by his candles, the air full of burnt sage, but unable to find the peace of mediation, he finally felt the sting of his own tears.Wetness filling his eyes after so long denying them…

But maybe it was all that sage, because anger surged a moment later and he wanted to yell at her for being so selfish.How dare she bring her pain to him when he had so much of his own to deal with?

Yet the words didn’t come.He simply sat down beside her and pulled her into his embrace.They sat like that for a long time.

“Mom?”He asked eventually.“What is it?Is it Uncle David?”

But he knew it wasn’t.

“Hal Buckner called me.”She said, wiping away the last of her tears.“He’s worried about you.”

Missing finals today…well that really was final.No more student days for Blair Sandburg…

“Class…I just can’t right now, Naomi.”

She smiled slightly.“I hear that.”She looked at him, at the shadows under his eyes.Knew he had missed so much school…that he’d pushed away the very things that were important to him.For once, she really did hear him.

“I need you to trust me, Blair…”She told him as she got up and walked unsteadily towards the bed.He watched as she reached down and picked up the brown backpack she’d bought him the day he got into Rainer.She put it on the bed and opened the drawers on his dresser and began to empty it of clothes. She packed his bag quickly and efficiently.

It felt familiar, like all those times they’d left yet another home.In a strange sort of way, it was a comfort.

 

*

 

Wildflowers were blooming on the side of the dirt track, bobbing in the breeze.Blair watched as knot of low pussytoes and biscuitroot were crushed under the wheels of an old bus that drew up beside him.The sign on the top said ‘ _St. Sebastian's Monastery_.’

Naomi hadn’t told him that part.In fact, his mother hadn’t told him much of anything, just assumed she knew what was best for him like she always did.He only went along with it because 95% of the time, she was right.

The doors opened and an elderly monk got out.He was old and a little portly, with salt and pepper curls and a greying beard.Blair watched fascinated, feeling a thrum of excitement he hadn’t felt in a long time.He’d studied monks and monasteries in 102, fascinated by their closed and closeted society, existing and co-existing with old, old values.But he’d never seen that first hand. 

The faith and commitment, the hardships…He wanted to know and experience that for himself.

The elderly monk picked up his bag.It was light; he hadn’t really packed much more than clothes.No books, no course work, just himself.

“I’m Brother Marcus.”The monk said.

Blair took his hand.“Blair Sandburg.”

The Monk’s face softened at his name.“You have your mother’s eyes.”

Blair’s jaw dropped at the thought of his mother and a monk.Naomi hadn’t told him that either.

Marcus laughed and laid a hand on his shoulder, gently leading him inside.“Welcome, Brother Blair…”

 

*

 

Blair stood at the old stone sink in the workshop and rubbed soap over his hands, washing away the stains from restoring the coloured glass.He’d been at the monetary for nearly six weeks now, respecting their customs the same way he kept to kosher laws when his visited his uncle’s family.He found the ordered way of life restful; there was no noise and confusion here, only faith, only peace.

Maybe they wondered about the boy who wandered the grounds long after the monks had retired to their cells for the night, wondered why he shot hoops alone sometimes, but didn’t shut up talking at others.Maybe they even drew their own conclusions when they saw him bathing morning and evening.But they never asked.

Not even Marcus, who gave him things to do when he needed the distraction and encouraged him to talk and talk about anything, almost as if he knew the words were screaming, screaming, screaming inside Blair and no matter how hard he tried they just wouldn’t come out.

“Should you ever wish to leave anthropology behind, there’s a place for you here in my workshop.”Marcus said, coming to stand beside Blair.“You should have been an artist.”

“Don’t hold your breath, man.”

Marcus laughed.“Who knows what’s in our futures?Do you think that I saw myself here when I was your age?”

Blair dried his hands.“I don’t have your faith.I respect what you believe, but I don’t have faith.”

“Maybe one day you will find that you do.”

He looked away.“I doubt that.”

“Because you believe you’ve seen and experienced the Godlessness of this world?”

Blair’s head snapped around.“Naomi told you?”She had promised she wouldn’t.

“No.But…”He touched Blair’s shoulder, his hand radiating warmth.“I can see the pain in your eyes.”

“Oh man…”

“You don’t have to tell me.”

The hand on his shoulder stroked a little and the floor was suddenly there under his backside.Marcus held him all the way down.

“You are tired, my friend.”The old monk murmured.“It is time to let go.”

Blair looked into his eyes and felt the trickle of wetness on his cheek.The tears he’d denied for so long finally began to slip free.

 

***

 

And on that last memory, Blair Sandburg finally tumbled into sleep.Jim looked across at this partner as the truck passed the halfway point between the hospital and Cascade and smiled.

He didn’t wake him up.

 

***

 

They got caught in the morning traffic, but Blair slept right through it.He was surprised when Jim nudged him awake that they were parked outside 852 Prospect Avenue and the sun was way up in the sky.

“Oh, man, I’m sorry.”

“My call, Sandburg.”Jim said, pulling his bags from the backseat.“I coulda woken you up.”

Blair retrieved his own rucksack and felt a pang of guilt.Simon hadn’t ruined this trip, he had.

Because he was a coward.

And that whole business with Kelly had just proved that nothing had changed.He was still letting Korrigan ruin his life.

When they got into the loft, Jim took his bags upstairs while Blair just dumped his unceremoniously on his bed and went to make coffee.He heard Jim head into the bathroom and a couple of minutes later, the distinctive sound of showering.

He listened in for a while; thinking of soaping up that gorgeous chest Jim was so fond of flashing in his face.Then thought of his recent cowardice.

Swallowing the last of his coffee, he went to his room and sat on the bed.Rolling onto his side he opened his drawer and pulled out the photo of his mother he kept there.Tucked into the frame was a scrap of paper on which a number was haphazardly scrawled.

He hadn’t seen Naomi in nearly six months, hadn’t spoken to her for over three and the last a letter he’d received from her had been over six weeks ago.She’d given him this number some time ago, as an emergency contact, and in all that time he hadn’t really felt the need to call and chat.Naomi didn’t hold him to such things.And mostly he was too busy to miss her, but sometimes…like now…

Blair tugged in the number from the frame and picked up the phone.He quickly dialled the long number and a long moment later, the connection began to ring.An even longer moment passed before anyone answered.

“Hello?”

“Hi, mom it’s me.”

“Blair!Is everything all right?”

“Yeah…its fine mom.”He smiled; pleasantly surprised to find that was the truth.“Just callin’ to hear your voice, you know..?”

 

*

 

“I love you too, Ma.”

Putting down the phone, Blair got up and wandered out.Between the caffeine surging in his veins and the warmth from his mother, he felt relaxed.Naomi had heard the sadness in his voice and tried to get him to talk about it.He’d told her he wasn’t alone and they’d talk soon, when he could.She’d accepted that, like she always did.Korrigan had affected her too.For the first time in her life, there was nothing she could do to make this go away.She’d never understood that just being there, just being ‘mom’ was enough.

Jim exited the bathroom clothed only in a towel.

“All yours, Chief.”

Blair dragged his eyes away from smooth ripples on Jim’s chest.“Huh?”

“The bathroom.”

“Oh…right.”He pulled out a grin.“Great, thanks, man.”

Inside the room was still damp and warm from Jim’s shower, and he wished for Sentinel smell so he could scent Jim in here.

As he pulled off his clothes, he caught his reflection in the mirror.

_Bruised jaw, terrified eyes, split lip…_

Blair blinked hard.He wasn’t seeing that.He was not seeing that.

_Scalp shorn, odd tufts of hair sticking out, wild shadowed eyes…_

He shook his head.And saw himself.Mussed up curls, tired eyes…Blair Sandburg, a couple of months off 27.Still living in the past.

He stepped into the shower and let the hot water beat down.Still made it better, even after all these years.

Cold quickly followed and he jumped out the shower, wrapping himself in a large towel.He’d left his vest and boxers in his bags and he didn’t want to put his dirty clothes back on just to walk to his room a half a dozen paces away.

Damn he really hated walking around half dressed.Didn’t even like sleeping without something to cover him.

His dripping reflection once again stared back at him.

Maybe he shouldn’t feel that way.

He gazed at himself, eye to eye.

He _knew_ he shouldn’t feel that way.

Blair had nothing to be ashamed of.

Nothing…

He grabbed a hand towel and began squeezing and scrunching his wet curls as he left the bathroom.Jim had dressed while he’d been in the shower, crisp shirt and pressed trousers.He was obviously intending on going to work, even through they had the weekend off.

He went into his room and pulled on a pair of jeans over his damp skin, tugged a white T over his head.Then he walked back out, saw Jim watching him.

He hadn’t closed his bedroom door.

A tingle ran up his spine, not quite terror, not quite pleasure.Jim had been watching.

Blair walked towards him, putting down the hand towel on the table as he passed.Jim frowned at the sight, but maybe he could hear the fast beat of Blair’s heart and rushing of blood through his veins because he didn’t say anything just kept looking at the younger man.

Blair stopped in front of him, looked up at him.

“Chief?”

He had to stand on tiptoes, height difference even wider now that Jim wore shoes and his own feet where bare, but he gently laid a kiss on the side of Jim’s mouth with an ease that surprised him.

Then he pulled back and waited.

 

***

 

Jim had tried not to watch, but the smooth back curving down to the dimples above his buttocks caught Jim’s eye and he could tear his gaze away.

Blair’s heartbeat, fast before, thundered when he turned to see Jim standing there.He probably would have heard it across the room without Sentinel hearing, as it was, it echoed loudly in Jim’s ears.His skin had tingled the closer his friend came and erupted at the touch of lips to his own.Just a light press, almost chaste, a little shy.

Blair dropped back onto his heels, but didn’t back up.He was looking right at Jim, but he couldn’t really register it, body humming after the kiss, mind knocked off kilter by the surprise.

Jim bathed in the scent of freshly washed Blair, eyes fixating on the curls which had begun to spiral up into coils as they dried.

Blair broke the gaze, hiding his face.Jim touched his arm, desperate to get the contact back.Blair looked up and Jim dropped his hand.

There was sadness in Blair’s eyes, and something that looked like fear.Probably thought he’d misread the situation; that the kiss had been unwelcome.

“Sorry.”He murmured and turned to go.

Jim snagged his arm, held him firm.Jim felt the muscles tense beneath his fingers, heard Blair’s heartbeat spike, his eyes once again avoiding Jim’s. __

“Blair.”How odd his name always sounded on Jim’s lips.How right.

The young man waited.It was so quiet.But there was something almost disturbing about a quiet Blair.Jim frowned, feeling there was something he should see, something in those eyes, amid the fear and the tiredness that he was missing.But the sensation was vague, like a dull ache.And that was suppressed behind the tighter tension suddenly in his body at Blair’s nearness.The delicious sing of arousal coursing through his innards.

Jim reached up and cupped the curls in his palm, felt the delicate spun silk slide of each individual strand across his skin.He caressed the locks, allowing himself touch and pet every curl.He’d wanted to do this for such a long time.

Then slowly, letting the moment happen, he leaned down to cover Blair’s mouth with his own.

 

***

 

Jim tasted of coffee and cream and sugar, a taint of bitter beneath the sweet, a hint of metal and spice.His body was hot against Blair’s, solid and real and Blair shivered inside.He felt hands slide down his sides, curve around him, palms flat, blunt fingers caressing him through the thin material of his T.

He felt the tension grow into an ache.There was no fear.

He could do this.Hot and hard and now.

No. Not now, not while everything was so raw.

Blair broke the kiss, stepped back just a fraction, and looked into Jim’s eyes.His friend was watching him silently.He could tell him what he was thinking, why this was so difficult.

But he just couldn’t talk about it.He never had.

Jim’s fingers slipped from his sides, Blair caught one hand before it fell away.No smaller or larger than his own, it felt right there.

He tugged gently, leading Jim to the sofa.He sat down.Jim stood there, looking down at him, waiting.He wanted to bury himself in Jim, push away the ugliness creeping through his gut.

Blair knew this feeling; knew so well the undercurrent of self-loathing inside that caused it. Use sex to validate who he was.

But this was _Jim_ , and he wouldn’t just be abusing himself if he did this.His Sentinel deserved better.

Jim sat down at his side, pulled Blair to him.The young man curled into his fiends’ side and closed his eyes.

Korrigan wasn’t going to ruin this.It was too important, too pure.

And then he fell asleep.

**~~Fin~~**

 

 


End file.
